Submitted by Brad Smith, Director of Training
You don’t have to be a coach or coaching someone to benefit from the principles of asking good questions. Good questions help conversations go deeper. Deep conversations create trust and trust in relationships creates community. I’ve heard that we’re all about deeply formed community. 😉
I’ve found these 4 questions to be easy to ask and helpful in many conversations. Instead of looking for the one-question-to-rule-them-all, make these part of your everyday life. Hopefully they can be helpful to you.
1. What makes you say that?
This question is like “why” without the condescension. It asks for clarifying information and gets to motives which builds understanding. Even better, you can usually ask it multiple times in a row!
Ex: Son: “School stunk today.”
Father: “What makes you say that?”
Son: “The teacher was picking on me.”
Father: “What makes you say that?”
Son: “I got the answer wrong when the teacher called on me in front of the class.”
Father: “I’m sorry. How did that make you feel?”
Son: “I told you it stunk!” (Probably more accurately how it would go in my house ;-D
Father: “What does ‘it stunk’ feel like?” (I learned this one for Marty Uhler – thanks Marty!)
Son: “I felt embarrassed and…”
What makes you say that? is a great way to keep a conversation going.
2. How does/did that make you feel?
This question gets to emotions and forces the person to recognize feelings which are important. In my training with Kieth Webb, one thing they talked about in order to coach the person instead of the problem was to follow the emotions. That’s where the real meaning is.
3. What have you done about this in the past?
When someone is sharing about an issue it’s much better to assume that people have an idea or two about how to solve their own problem. It also keeps you from solving their problem when they haven’t asked for your help yet!
4. What would be most helpful to you right now?
This is a better version of “how can I help?” Which is not a bad question, but it inserts you into the solution which may or may not be helpful. The last time I asked this question I was at church talking with a bandmate going through a hard time and it stopped him in his tracks. He responded very simply,”That’s the best question anyone’s asked me in a long time.” This question is powerful because it causes the other to think through their own values and needs and prioritize, which leads them closer to solutions. It also communicates you care and are available if needed.
If you want to grow in coaching or get a coach check out the coaching network and get in touch with a coach at www.communitascoaching.com. They would love to have a conversation with you plus you probably already know one or two of them!